Radio Show Presenter Required
A key position remains vacant within the future of a highly successful and growing Radio Broadcasting Station (Gallop FM); that we forecast expansion and ultimate nationwide airwave domination in the next 6 months. It is intended that by March 2006 we will be in a position to stop broadcasting on those wavelengths that have previously been reserved for the strict use of the Gardai special crime unit, the Finglas West Pigeon Club and the Cappagh-hospital Methadone Clinic Emergency Helpline.
This vibrant young station intends to employ the type of talent that we believe someone of your broadcasting generation, physical dimensions and overall sexiness is capable of. It has come to the attention of one of our most respected field researchers (Bernard Mickey Wrangler), that you certainly have the qualities we require to take us to the top. Market research in this regard unveils the potential of improving the audience figures from 12 (although reportedly 4 of these listeners are in fact in a coma, 3 are strapped into wheelchairs in Grange Gorman, while remaining audience actually exists only in the over-night holding cells of Finglas Garda Station), to no less than 50,000 by 1 December 2006. It is our firm belief that with your help, voice and good looks that can melt the rust off this Cowboy’s Smyth & Wesson, our aspirations to reach the heady heights of other successful stations such as Sunshine FM, Capitol Radio and FJOA (Farmer’s Journal On Air); this ambition is entirely possible.
Agent Wrangler, who has previously been responsible for the single handed success of many lost causes; has most recently been awarded for his talent spotting professionalism, questionable social behaviour and uncanny ability to sink no-less than 57 bottles of Coors Light in a single night, will remain focused until he achieves the clear success of expanding this Media and Marketing opportunity to a turnover of €1600.00 and a staff of 5 Durty Mares. Bernard will remain determined and ambitious in his plans for future growth.
This offer comes to you with an attractive package of health benefits, national (and international recognition), creative freedom, studio (shed in Bernard’s back garden), broad-casting equipment (acquired by a some of the regulars at Mr. Ferrari’s Fish & Chip Bistro; those kidders…), production staff (a blind TV Remote technician on work experience from FAS) and essentially anything you want to get the rest of Gallop FM’s staff off the Dole (and in Victor’s case; off the “National Sex Offenders” register).
In order to entice you and hopefully express how serious we are at acquiring your services, albeit in our current and limited operational capacity; we have set up DMAS (Durty Mare Appreciation Society). The committee soon launched a nationwide competition for the best limerick to be played at the top of each hour. However, although the maximum amount of creative in-put was achieved, unfortunately, taking into account the listener-ship figures of Gallop FM at 3.30 a.m.; (which was the only time we knew the Gardai wouldn’t be listening), we quickly realised that the geographic location, broadcast radius of 2 miles and quality of listener; didn’t quiet aspire to, nor meet the expected quality, that our friends at 98FM would be used to. In this regard, we wish to offer you the following 3 finalists:
1. Oh Louise, Give us a Squeeze
You make me want to squeeze
And hold you tightly please
Then stop and eat some cheese
Oh can’t you hear me, jeez
Lip licking Louise.
Jimmy Cannon, age 42
2. There was a girl...
Who presented a Radio Show
And lips that were made to blow.
Ernst Stavro Bustamente, age 30
3. Teatime Radio
until you hear Louise
wait until she starts to laugh
and before you have a squeeze
make sure your bedroom door is locked
and no-one else can see
because my Mother once walked in on me
with biscuits and some tea
It was quite embarrassing really
because I had a walkman on
and my eyes where tightly fastened shut
while whacking mister kong…
Victor J Firecraker, age (and location) not known
We here at Gallop FM are uncharacteristically in agreement with DMAS and inclined to go for number 2 (as we’re not really sure how the other 2 got into the mail bag), but ultimately the decision lies with you Cowgirl, for we know you are a hotter, smarter, funnier and sexier woman, than this most members of society in this demographic could ever hoped to rub their knees at! Although, again, we must admit that you’ll probably inspire a tsunami of impure thoughts about committing crimes of the carnal kind in each pubescent teenage listener more often than someone with a cardiac condition should put their feet up.
We trust you will consider our exciting (albeit questionable, slightly risky and probably not altogether legal) offer and we look forward to hearing from your favourably in the near future.
Bernard Mickey Wrangler (a.k.a. Champ)
Marketing & Media Department
HYGG inc. & Assoc. Board of Directors.
Directors: Victor J Firecracker (Ace), Emilio S Olivetree (Badger), Bernard Mickey Wrangler (Champ)
Associates: Anastasia Nymphadadora, Dr. Marcus Slashwater, Lord James Westfall, Ernst Stavro Binswanger, Sir Alexander Bustamente, Julius DuPontier
Field Consultants: Lieutenant Colonel Townsend Stiffworth, Rear Admiral Finley Carlson, Chief Petty Officer Reginald Hammerstein, Corporal Tittiana Romanova