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Thursday, August 18, 2005

Radio Show Presenter Required

Gallop FM “Coming in your Ears”
Dear Hopeful,

A key position remains vacant within the future of a highly successful and growing Radio Broadcasting Station (Gallop FM); that we forecast expansion and ultimate nationwide airwave domination in the next 6 months. It is intended that by March 2006 we will be in a position to stop broadcasting on those wavelengths that have previously been reserved for the strict use of the Gardai special crime unit, the Finglas West Pigeon Club and the Cappagh-hospital Methadone Clinic Emergency Helpline.

This vibrant young station intends to employ the type of talent that we believe someone of your broadcasting generation, physical dimensions and overall sexiness is capable of. It has come to the attention of one of our most respected field researchers (Bernard Mickey Wrangler), that you certainly have the qualities we require to take us to the top. Market research in this regard unveils the potential of improving the audience figures from 12 (although reportedly 4 of these listeners are in fact in a coma, 3 are strapped into wheelchairs in Grange Gorman, while remaining audience actually exists only in the over-night holding cells of Finglas Garda Station), to no less than 50,000 by 1 December 2006. It is our firm belief that with your help, voice and good looks that can melt the rust off this Cowboy’s Smyth & Wesson, our aspirations to reach the heady heights of other successful stations such as Sunshine FM, Capitol Radio and FJOA (Farmer’s Journal On Air); this ambition is entirely possible.

Agent Wrangler, who has previously been responsible for the single handed success of many lost causes; has most recently been awarded for his talent spotting professionalism, questionable social behaviour and uncanny ability to sink no-less than 57 bottles of Coors Light in a single night, will remain focused until he achieves the clear success of expanding this Media and Marketing opportunity to a turnover of €1600.00 and a staff of 5 Durty Mares. Bernard will remain determined and ambitious in his plans for future growth.

This offer comes to you with an attractive package of health benefits, national (and international recognition), creative freedom, studio (shed in Bernard’s back garden), broad-casting equipment (acquired by a some of the regulars at Mr. Ferrari’s Fish & Chip Bistro; those kidders…), production staff (a blind TV Remote technician on work experience from FAS) and essentially anything you want to get the rest of Gallop FM’s staff off the Dole (and in Victor’s case; off the “National Sex Offenders” register).

In order to entice you and hopefully express how serious we are at acquiring your services, albeit in our current and limited operational capacity; we have set up DMAS (Durty Mare Appreciation Society). The committee soon launched a nationwide competition for the best limerick to be played at the top of each hour. However, although the maximum amount of creative in-put was achieved, unfortunately, taking into account the listener-ship figures of Gallop FM at 3.30 a.m.; (which was the only time we knew the Gardai wouldn’t be listening), we quickly realised that the geographic location, broadcast radius of 2 miles and quality of listener; didn’t quiet aspire to, nor meet the expected quality, that our friends at 98FM would be used to. In this regard, we wish to offer you the following 3 finalists:

1. Oh Louise, Give us a Squeeze
There’s a hot young radio presenter called Louise
You make me want to squeeze
And hold you tightly please
Then stop and eat some cheese
Oh can’t you hear me, jeez
Lip licking Louise.

Jimmy Cannon, age 42

2. There was a girl...
There was a girl from Sligo
Who presented a Radio Show
She had skin like silk and teeth like milk
And lips that were made to blow.

Ernst Stavro Bustamente, age 30

3. Teatime Radio
You should turn your radio knob
until you hear Louise
wait until she starts to laugh
and before you have a squeeze

make sure your bedroom door is locked
and no-one else can see
because my Mother once walked in on me
with biscuits and some tea

It was quite embarrassing really
because I had a walkman on
and my eyes where tightly fastened shut
while whacking mister kong…

Victor J Firecraker, age (and location) not known

We here at Gallop FM are uncharacteristically in agreement with DMAS and inclined to go for number 2 (as we’re not really sure how the other 2 got into the mail bag), but ultimately the decision lies with you Cowgirl, for we know you are a hotter, smarter, funnier and sexier woman, than this most members of society in this demographic could ever hoped to rub their knees at! Although, again, we must admit that you’ll probably inspire a tsunami of impure thoughts about committing crimes of the carnal kind in each pubescent teenage listener more often than someone with a cardiac condition should put their feet up.

We trust you will consider our exciting (albeit questionable, slightly risky and probably not altogether legal) offer and we look forward to hearing from your favourably in the near future.


Bernard Mickey Wrangler (a.k.a. Champ)
C.E.O. Gallop FM.

Marketing & Media Department
HYGG inc. & Assoc. Board of Directors.

Directors: Victor J Firecracker (Ace), Emilio S Olivetree (Badger), Bernard Mickey Wrangler (Champ)
Associates: Anastasia Nymphadadora, Dr. Marcus Slashwater, Lord James Westfall, Ernst Stavro Binswanger, Sir Alexander Bustamente, Julius DuPontier
Field Consultants: Lieutenant Colonel Townsend Stiffworth, Rear Admiral Finley Carlson, Chief Petty Officer Reginald Hammerstein, Corporal Tittiana Romanova

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

A Day in the Life of Bernard M. Wrangler

Friday 22 July 2005, 2.15 p.m.:

All I can say is……… or type as this case may be…. Jaysus! In fact, I’m so farked that I can’t say anything. I’ve been staring at this blank e-mail for about 20 minutes now, trying to figure out where to start, what to say or even how to say it and the screen is now pleading with me to type something………………………. So here it is:

Thursday 21 July 2005, 7.15 p.m.:

Last night…………. Started off fairly civil, meeting an old friend, regaling past conquests, drinks in the affluent Bailey, Dinner in not so salubrius Pasta Fresca, a nice ice cold chardonnay and a few night caps in the Clarendon, followed by one for the road in Hogan’s at closing time. Then, and only then, did it all go wrong… or right… or Bananas… or wet… or durty… or downhill… or up stairs, around the corner, into smutsville where all good cowboys love to be.

Friday 22 July 2005, 12.30 a.m.:

A phone call from a likely looking lady whose acquaintance we made in the Clarendon, the verbal content of which was almost too much, too hot and even too durty for this Cowboy to bare. Summoned by the power of a small thin tight white g’er, seductive tones, a firm under-body, a well formed/voluptuous upper-body, a husky accented voice that I could tell was not from these parts (but liked to commit crimes with natives all the same) and it was off to Lillie’s Bordello with yours truly and his trusted side kick/peddler of fine one liners; VJ Firecracker (Ace).

Before we go any further, let’s just say she started out looking like Anna Kournikova and ended up looking like Donatella Versace by the time the taxi came.

Lynched, grabbed, groped, assaulted, touched-on-my-special-spot and almost raped, (not to mention dry ridden, gyrated and giy can’t believe it’s not butter’d) upon entering the room; by a group of 3 fashion conscious girlies and it was straight into the VIP area with 2 thirds of HYGG inc. executive committee. Business cards weren’t handed out, introductions had no place and not a single vowel from the mouth watering mission statement of our booming corporation was uttered, but champagne was ordered, laps were getting sat on, cowboy’s faces were licked and promises of being made Chief Executive Officer of my very own international Airline with 5 flights a day to heaven and back were issued. Each cowgirl in turn was advised on what a durty mare she appeared to be, invitations to the now infamous hot-tub in the Iberian foot-hills overlooking Eldorado were whispered in the ears of the entire female cast of Gallop TV’s up coming adventure and instructions like “save a horse and Ride a Cowboy” were issued and impressively accepted.

Friday 22 July 2005, 4.30 a.m.:

Time rode on, all the way to Champsville until finally 5.00 a.m. and it was snuffing out time. And admittedly folks, not a moment too soon… as I fear the abundance of Cowboy mojo might have spent more than it’s daily allowance and simply get left behind in a blind fit of exhaustion some night when it’s magic is called upon to relieve yet another lucky lady of her expensive agent provocateur underwear purchased while dreaming of committing crimes against nature with one of Irelands last remaining trio of love gods, who has been sent down to planet earth to routinely cure good-looking women of their virginity.

Friday 22 July 2005, 8.00 a.m.:

Dry eyes ripped themselves reluctantly open, as the sun seared into the swollen cavity where my brain sometimes resides and skin was painfully unglued from the leather sofa that has made itself at home in Archie’s living room. Work and 57 cups of coffee (not unlike Heinz 57 varieties).

Friday 22 July 2005, 2.25 p.m.:

I love this durty town!

Friday, July 22, 2005

Gallop TV - There's something about Bernard

Hot Cowgirls with a passion for fun, pesto and Vaseline…

You have been selected by a committee of unemployed social workers used to dealing with disadvantaged Chinatown hookers (i.e. those members (male & female) of the Asian community who have either retired from a life of wallpaper paste wrestling, bathing in public and playing bang-bang with the boys from Mr Ferrari’s chip shop (those guy are such messers…) or are currently working in a downtown Dublin foam party nightclub called Slashes).
You are being sought to take part in 'Bernard Mickey Wrangler’s Filthy Fortnight of Fun, Fame, Fortune & “Fill me up the Coolio with Leaded Liquid Love” ', a new reality series which will be shown on GallopTV later this year.

An overworked Cowboy with a chonker the size of a sperm whale on Viagra and part-time Jimmy ze Hunk impersonator, could be your answer. Bernard & the boys are trying to avoid getting stuck in the cycle of shaking their hips and rubbing their knees at every hot minx that passes by and shouting “C’mon Eirelint” out of a car window at every girl between the age of 16 and 60 who looks like she’s got a pair of bangers that defy the inevitable grip of gravity


You and 4 of your friends will be whisked off togther with 16 other groups of 5 easy ladies to a secret location, and a well lit set, in a salubrious Penthouse Pad somewhere on Dublin’s affluent Southside. Each group will be required to perform an exciting, interesting and sometimes compromising role play; written and choreographed by 3 senior members of HYGG inc. script department. While copies of this script will remain secret for now, we can reveal that it will definitely contain a hot-tub, an umbrella, a banana, a scrubbing brush, a jar of beetroot, Bernard, a token bottle of Jeyes Miracle Fluid and an undisclosed number of other contestants. The top 3 most successful groups of lip licking ladies will then be taken south to a villa in yet another secret international location in the Iberian foothills where all clothing except for g-strings will be confiscated. Here, contestants will be required to reveal their outgoing side, strong personalities, any individual talents that they should received recognition for, an aptitude for flexibility, initiative and a desire for holding onto Bernard’s one-eyed trouser snake like it was stick of gold.

Following 2 weeks of Galloping like a gravy covered fox being chased by a pack of starved hounds, the 6 most impressive contestants who have survived the elimination process of the Cowboy vote, physical stamina and medical condition will be preform in a grand finale of Hollywood epic proportions where a victorious Cowgirl will be crowned. With this world renowned title; you will also become the proud owner of a heafty cash prize (€114.63), a 1 year free sub-scription to our company Newletter* (How's you Gee for a Gallop) and a lifetime supply of sudocream.
*Denotes not transferable nor renewable
If you are tired of a lonely single life, your rampant rabbit keeps running out of batteries or you’re simply sick of getting liquored & loved up on a Saturday night in the Durty Kitchen, then here’s your chance to turn your life around and sketch your face firmly into the minds of every young, dum & full o’ cum teenager who shuts his eyes for a five knuckle shuffle twice a day.


Interested women, aged between 24 and 34, durty, is into riding, living in Dublin or anywhere in ireland in fact (except Cork), and willing to appear in the series, should email:


Marketing & Media Department
HYGG inc. & Assoc. Board of Directors.

Directors: Victor J Firecracker (Ace), Emilio S Olivetree (Badger), Bernard Mickey Wrangler (Champ)
Associates: Anastasia Nymphadadora, Dr. Marcus Slashwater, Lord James Westfall, Ernst Stavro Binswanger, Sir Alexander Bustamente, Julius DuPontier
Field Consultants: Lieutenant Colonel Townsend Stiffworth, Rear Admiral Finley Carlson, Chief Petty Officer Reginald Hammerstein, Corporal Tittiana Romanova

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Cowgirl Required

Dear Dee,

Following your recent mail sent to one of our most esteemed Directors (Dr. Marcus Slashwater)of HYGG inc., we wish to take this opportunity to thank you for your concern, offer you an invitation to our headquarters for a tour around the state of the art facility known as Slash Hall 1 and give you the chance to come on a once in a lifetime round trip, visiting heaven and hell for the price of one.

We at HYGG like to treat all of our customers like family and our most favoured customers like Aeroplanes (climb inside you twice a day and ride you to heaven and back) and leave you with an enormous sense of well-being, warmth, satisfaction and essence of vanilla permanently in your nostrils.

Admittedly Cowgirl, it has also come to our attention that you may just be the sort of material that we are looking for to join the lilly lovin' posse at Rubber Rose Ranch. Apparently you're a saucy minx so from now on you will no longer be refered to as Dee, but we wish to bestow upon you the Cowgirl name of "Nymphadora".

Until now, our board of directors has consisted entirely of 3 rampant studs with libidos like rabbits on a cocktail of Viagara and Ecstasy. With you on board and riding like the clappers we believe the benefits will be 2 fold:

1. putting us back on the road of feminine sensitivity

2. offer invaluable advice to the collective slash go'ers of how to achieve the most rewarding equestrain gallops that will put a smile back on the the most heart broken faces, of even chastest farmer's daughter.

With this uncompromisingly lifetime achievement offer to you, we also extend the olive branch of tenderness, affection of the legal kind and a respect that most Cowgirl wannabes would give their right jelly bopper and first born for!

We trust that you will consider this kind offer and we look forward to hearing from you and all of your good looking mates in the near future.

So there it is Duckie, it's nice to know that we have a minx in our midst looking after one of our Outlaws.


Bernard Mickey Wrangler (C.E.O. How's Your Gee for a Gallop inc.)

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Coming Soon to a Wireless near you....

Gallop FM - Coming In Your Ears

Thursday, July 07, 2005

London Terrorist Attacks

Jesus Murphy,

I have just listened to Bush commenting on the Terror attacks in London. He is so infuriating, has nothing of any real value to offer and exudes a Hollywood arrogance that Nancy Reagan would have been proud of. Coupled by the fact that he's got such a limited vocabulary! Is it any wonder that he cannot be taken seriously and has lost a vast amount of the respect and political credibility that America once held?

What has happened this morning in London is devastating beyond anything that any one generation should ever have to experience. However, everyday we open the papers and read about 20, 30 or sometimes 50 people a day are being killed in Iraq or elsewhere in the middle-east, as a result of a suicide bomber, or an American (or should we say coalition of the good) defence of (/”attack on) freedom.

Bush seems to think that if he keeps repeating the words, “terror, freedom, terror, justice, terror, war on terror and terror" that he'll brain wash people into thinking that he's fighting the good fight! He's the one at war and because someone takes the fight away from their own door-step; they're branded terrorists!

And another thing…

The timing of these attacks is so convenient for these world leaders! Being in the country for the G8 and the “Make Poverty History” campaign; what a suitable distraction from them having to make any real decisions about money under pressure! As soon as anyone asks them to behave like real politicians, they all start shouting "terror", which is the easiest thing for them to maintain as a political agenda when it is a whole world away, doesn't fundamentally effect them, and can be called upon as a major distraction whenever it suits them.

The whole MPH campaign has just been completely negated! Our generation is better than this and can do better than this! Let’s take our heads out of the 60’s, where it’s all peace, love, hypocrisy and crack cocaine; and into the future, where we’re all going to end up there in one way or another!

The collective events of the pasts few days, and the coming days, are absolutely diabolical. They have made and continue to make a complete farce of modern society!

Cowboy rides again (but this time with a frustrated itch),


Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Emilio S. Olivetree Posted by Picasa

H.Y.G.G. Annual Slash Conference

MEMO 4 July 2005

Att: All the Durty Mares of Badger's Hot Minx Factory

Re: Paving the path for a golden tunnel of slippery love


Following an afternoon of sniffing Jeyes fluid, scrubbing dark hairy corners with wire brushes, a diet of skinny beer, Kung-po chicken and prawn crackers (and other food like Pak thud Thai or Pak tud tak or similar sounding asian dishes that sound like a hair-lip pleading for a packet of thumbtacks); a discussion ensued between the 3 senior directors of H.Y.G.G. (How’s Your Gee For A Gallop) inc.

Now, admittedly, toilet duck is credited for performing an array of house-hold miracles, but none so fantastic as experienced by the boys of Rubber Glove Ranch (breeding ground for H.Y.G.G. executives); for when the big hand seductively stroked the little one at midnight and licked it’s lips (like Margarita Praycatan from Mr. Ferrari’s chipper in Ringsend licks the durty love juice of lucky customer number 99 on a Friday night from her swollen kissers and chatters her teeth with excitement sounding like a housefly on speed playing the castanets); there was an unexpected release of male juvenile testosterone.

At this point, its worth mentioning that not for the first time has a Cowboy been betrayed by the demon drink: Tequila; (Harsh dew of the badlands, scorpion honey, crème the cacti or as known in Finglas – Liquid essence of Aztec)

When regaling past conquests, one cowboy advised that he once knew a girl that craved having her tractor filled with both regular and unleaded. When quizzed, he assured that women frequently desire having certain voids of there love making pleasure land filled with psychedelic golden anti-love juice.

It has come to our attention that the above mentioned collection of gorgeous girls at Heinz are particularly toe curlingly good looking and have recently considered the concept of a Bellyful of Yellow and agree that a secret desire to achieve instant orgasm (followed by about a 6 month application of Canesten Cream) does in fact exist in most full blooded females.

At this point, we wish to digress and extend an invite.

2 October of this year, H.Y.G.G. would like to invite a select range of clients to a hot-tub somewhere in the Iberian foothills. Mr. Bernard Mickey Wrangler, joined the company recently and was quickly promoted to Acting Chief Executive of the Awe over Swagger department at H.Y.G.G., is a regular contributor to the ‘How’s Your Gee for a Gallop’ newsletter and can be held responsible for the recruitment of many a minx in search of new ways to reward their patience with a tingle in the nipples while not sweating unnaturally nor taking drugs which similarly include the dubious bonus of jaw clenching jitters. Bernard will be passing a sheet around the office today, upon which, if interested, you should put your name. Bernard will also be issuing complimentary survival packs which include, a clean g’er, a bottle of baby oil and a bumper pack of Canesten wipes to the first ten lucky contestants.

We at H.Y.G.G. look forward to meeting you in the hot-tub of this most important of conferences. We also wish to thank you for your continued support in our quest to realise our objectives and live up to the values of our mission statement. Values such as; curing all women kind of their virginity while maintaining utmost discretion, dignity and sensitivity to their shirt ironing needs.

Until October,

Victor J. Firecracker, Bernard Mickey Wrangler, Dr. Kenneth Noisewater and Emilio S. Olivetree

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